"I'm Scared"

Ok, here it is...my ex is back in town and wants to pick-up were we left off. I must admit, I still--I mean, I still have feelings for him! He looks good! And I mean good, do ya here me! But, I just can't and won't jump back into bed with him--although I want too...I just can't...

He keeps begging me and begging me, but I feel too self-conscious about something. My weight.

It has been almost nine years since he and I were together in that way and I gotta admit, I was a freak! And I was his best--that's his words, not mine. He claims he's been dreaming and masturbating to the memory of my sex for the entire time we've been apart. I find that had to believe, but then again...I was a freak! :0)

He wrote me over the years about he and I getting back together...I thought nothing of it. Shoot, I was in a relationship and had a baby--which he's very, very, very upset about. He says it should have been his child. I say, "Shoulda, woulda, coulda--Prada!" In other words, "Whatever."

I once had a body out of this world! And I knew it! Now, I'm a black woman, so no! I was no skinny-benny! I was thick--as I still am, but I was like, "Woo!" Black men couldn't get enough of me and guess what, neither could white men! Men are still attracted to me don't think I've gone to the dogs, I haven't. I just have a stomach now...for which I hate!! HATE! I HATE IT, I TELL YA! I HATE IT!

I've been tiring to get financed for a tummy tuck...but, so far no such look. At least my breasts are larger than my stomach--much larger! :0) My behind is still nice, but it's bigger...men like it, but to be honest, I wouldn't mind it being a little smaller--not flat or small mind you, just smaller. I still have a small waist--thank you, Jesus! But my stomach! I HATE IT! I HATE IT, I TELL YA! I HATE IT!

We've been (my ex and I) talking for awhile now and I told him that once I lose thirty-five pounds then I'll think about being intimate with him. Mind you, I haven't had sex in over five years! Count 'em! Five! 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! FIVE YEARS!! I'm losing my mind! Hahahaha! I just don't sleep around...I just don't.

Will I even remember how to make-love?

I hope so.

Will I be able to perform like I once had?

I hope so.

In all actuality, I can't live up to the fantasies he's had of me. It's a little intimidating. He has this vision of a twenty-something woman doing all kinds of things...

Will I still be able to do them?

I don't know.

Will still want to?

I don't know.

Will I enjoy his sex?

I hope so.

It's been so long, I'm afraid...I'm really afraid.

I don't want to perform as a virgin...not again! I know initially there's going to be some discomfort, but not enough to warrant stopping. I want to make-love again, I do. But I'm scared.

What if he laughs at me?

He might...he might...I'm scared...

Maybe I shouldn't do it. I don't want to be humiliated. I know I shouldn't do it, he's not my husband. And I made a promise that I wouldn't bed another man unless he was my husband. Thus far, I've kept that promise, but I'm human...I'm lonely...hell, I'm horny! Hehehe! But truthfully...I'm just scared...

I'm scared...

I'm scared...

I'm scared...

I'm really scared...

Anywho, thanks for listening--well, reading the rantings of a sane woman!

Oh, Well...

I've been single for over five years--by choice mind you--and that's in ever aspect of the word "single"...I don't sleep around, momma didn't raise no hoe! :0) But when I finally met someone I liked, he's 12 years my junior. Then when I got over that "hump", I find out he's moving two hours away. Now some people may think that's nothing, but I'm not traveling two hours to be with someone...I'm just not. That's how I once felt...each day I see him, I'm beginning to think, "Two hours is not that far." But since I've told him I don't believe in long distance relationships--which is the same time he was saying he "tried" the long distance relationship in the past and--and that's when I cut him off and said I don't believe in them...I may have screwed myself with that one...he might have said,

"I've tired long distance relationships in the
past and it worked out wonderfully!

"or he might have said,

"I've tired long distance
relationships in the past and they don't work for
me!"

Which is want I inferred before allowing him to finish. But as I said, since telling him I don't believe in long distance relationships, he's been somewhat "standoffish". But then he'll forget he's supposed to be standoffish and begin to flirt...heavily--Oh wait! That was me! I was talking about me... He never stopped flirting...but it was I who began acting as if he didn't exist, he questioned me on it...we talked...it was a nice talk...he's so mature for his age...I'm not just saying that because I like him, but his mannerisms reflect that of a much older, much more mature man...everyone says the same...and to add he doesn't look his age, not implying he looks "old", because he doesn't, just older...[exhaling] I really like him... Now that I have these feelings for him again, I think it's too late...even if it weren't, I would only see him once a week anyway, but I'm a faithful woman (I've been told a little too faithful...if there's such a thing) and I know the old saying, "What you don't know won't hurt you." (speaking of his being 2 hrs out), but my thing is, what I "think" will... I've dropped hints--as recent as today, that I wouldn't mind giving it a try, but he appears disinterested...that or perhaps he's a realist (which is my usual stance.) Perhaps he feels he too may be wondering about me and what I was doing--which would be nothing, but he wouldn't know that--In fact, I don't think I've dated a man that truly felt I was faithful. People--No, men! Men seem to feel if a woman is attractive...extremely attractive (that's me tooting my own horn) that she can't possibly be with just one person....and that isn't true...I'm the epitome of the word "faithful". I don't cheat, period. I just don't...[exhaling] I really like him... ...well I feel...well I really don't know how I feel--exposed! That's how I feel, exposed...

Anywho, thanks for listening--well, reading the rantings of a sane woman!

"No, Give Me a Break!"

Today started out as any other...I got up, got dressed and my usual daily phone call from my mother came but this time she informed me that she wanted Wisdom (my daughter) to go with her cousins to the doctors. Well, we discussed this last night and I don't want my daughter going--point blank! Her Aunt isn't responsible--not even when it comes to her own children--especially when it comes to her own children! She then informed me that she needed a break! She needed a break! Now that's the cat calling the dog meow! (yeah, I've got a million of 'em) My daughter--for whom I would lay down my life without a micro-seconds hesitation, has never been away from me a day since birth! (She'll be 4 next mth) Not to spend the night with her cousins, a night over my girlfriends--not even with her father's side of the family (and that's for a whole lot of other reasons). My daughter even sleeps with me! Is that my fault...sometimes--but hey, a lot of times I wake up and there she is with her beautiful face, fat cheeks (I love those fat-cheeks) cured up in a ball--right under my left arm pit! And don't get me wrong, Wisdom has her own room. I've decorated her room with every Pretty Perfect Princess item made!

TV, DVD Player, CD Player, Stove, Bed, Night Stand, Vanity, Couch, Chest, Lamps,
Bookcase, Curtains, Bedspread, Enchanted Mirror, Mosquito Net, Cloths, Dolls,
Flash Lights, Dishes, Shoes, Make-up, Calendar, Boarders, Clay Dough,
Microphones, Cell Phones, Portable CD, Players, Mouse Pad, Flash Cards, Crayons,
Towel set, Coloring Books, Markers, Sticker Albums, Pocket Mirrors, Motorized
Toothbrushes, Uno Cards, Framed Posters, Removable Jumbo Wall Stickers--you name
it, I've probably bought it! I've even made her very own Pretty Prefect Princess
Bingo Game and Bookmarks!

But where does my daughter prefer to sleep? Right under my left arm pit...I can't believe it. And her room is down right lovely--I mean, absolutely lovely! (Not junky, I know whatcah thinkin') But seriously...I'm just saying I need a break, before I break!

Traditionally, in my family the mothers leave the children with the grandparents while they're either in school, working, courting, you name it, the grandmother was indeed the guardian. However, when it comes to me--no such option! Now, before you get ahead of yourself, it's by choice. That's right, by choice. I had my daughter and I feel she's my responsibility. Now, don't get me wrong my mother does and is helping me...tremendously. And I love, appreciate and thank her for that. But outside of work, school, studying, martial arts, walking and self defense class my daughters pretty much with me...hmmm. That's an awful lot of activities, now isn't it? Well again, before you get ahead of yourself, allow me to explain...

1. Work: 8:15 to 4:30pm M-F - Pretty typical. My daughter's in school 8:30 to 3:15pm.
2. School: Between 6-9pm M, Wed & Thurs.
3. Studying: Usually around 8 or 9pm I'll review the video tape of my previous class (pretty ingenious dontcha think?) During Finals yes, I'm studying like crazy, sun up, sun down.
4. Martial Arts: Haven't started (It's on my To Do List--actually, I'm going to pay for my sessions today after work--and my daughter will be going too! As well as taking classes, she's going to be in the "Little Ninjas" (Isn't that just too cute!)
5. Walking: I walk on my lunch break, 2 to 4miles a day and when I walk at home who's with me? That's right, my lovely daughter--which I love, I'm just pointing out that my mother doesn't have her during this time.
6. Self Defense Class: 6:15 to 7:15pm, Thurs only--yes, I was late to chemistry class every week--but I still passed the class with a very strong "B".

You see, my mother doesn't have my daughter all the time...well, I guess neither do I. Perhaps she does need a break...I said perhaps, fore I know I need one! Hew! All this and it isn't even noon yet! Hehehe!

Ahh, I feel better...thanks for listening--well, reading the rantings of a sane woman!