"I'm Scared"

Ok, here it is...my ex is back in town and wants to pick-up were we left off. I must admit, I still--I mean, I still have feelings for him! He looks good! And I mean good, do ya here me! But, I just can't and won't jump back into bed with him--although I want too...I just can't...

He keeps begging me and begging me, but I feel too self-conscious about something. My weight.

It has been almost nine years since he and I were together in that way and I gotta admit, I was a freak! And I was his best--that's his words, not mine. He claims he's been dreaming and masturbating to the memory of my sex for the entire time we've been apart. I find that had to believe, but then again...I was a freak! :0)

He wrote me over the years about he and I getting back together...I thought nothing of it. Shoot, I was in a relationship and had a baby--which he's very, very, very upset about. He says it should have been his child. I say, "Shoulda, woulda, coulda--Prada!" In other words, "Whatever."

I once had a body out of this world! And I knew it! Now, I'm a black woman, so no! I was no skinny-benny! I was thick--as I still am, but I was like, "Woo!" Black men couldn't get enough of me and guess what, neither could white men! Men are still attracted to me don't think I've gone to the dogs, I haven't. I just have a stomach now...for which I hate!! HATE! I HATE IT, I TELL YA! I HATE IT!

I've been tiring to get financed for a tummy tuck...but, so far no such look. At least my breasts are larger than my stomach--much larger! :0) My behind is still nice, but it's bigger...men like it, but to be honest, I wouldn't mind it being a little smaller--not flat or small mind you, just smaller. I still have a small waist--thank you, Jesus! But my stomach! I HATE IT! I HATE IT, I TELL YA! I HATE IT!

We've been (my ex and I) talking for awhile now and I told him that once I lose thirty-five pounds then I'll think about being intimate with him. Mind you, I haven't had sex in over five years! Count 'em! Five! 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! FIVE YEARS!! I'm losing my mind! Hahahaha! I just don't sleep around...I just don't.

Will I even remember how to make-love?

I hope so.

Will I be able to perform like I once had?

I hope so.

In all actuality, I can't live up to the fantasies he's had of me. It's a little intimidating. He has this vision of a twenty-something woman doing all kinds of things...

Will I still be able to do them?

I don't know.

Will still want to?

I don't know.

Will I enjoy his sex?

I hope so.

It's been so long, I'm afraid...I'm really afraid.

I don't want to perform as a virgin...not again! I know initially there's going to be some discomfort, but not enough to warrant stopping. I want to make-love again, I do. But I'm scared.

What if he laughs at me?

He might...he might...I'm scared...

Maybe I shouldn't do it. I don't want to be humiliated. I know I shouldn't do it, he's not my husband. And I made a promise that I wouldn't bed another man unless he was my husband. Thus far, I've kept that promise, but I'm human...I'm lonely...hell, I'm horny! Hehehe! But truthfully...I'm just scared...

I'm scared...

I'm scared...

I'm scared...

I'm really scared...

Anywho, thanks for listening--well, reading the rantings of a sane woman!